2018: a train ticket to London and a Yellow Coat

Today i would have met her parents, instead i’m sat alone listening to mac miller; feeling sad, broken and wishing I felt none of these things. tomorrow she would have woken up in my arms. tomorrow i’m waking up alone and going to remember everything that was.

on tuesday i would have been nestled in bed, content, and listening to earthboy, instead i was hospitalised because of an overdose. The world has a hell of a right hook, i never expected a black eye that bad.

words bite, inexperience harms, i wish that had been pinned on the exit door so she could have seen, before she kicked me out with ferocity.

life has a funny way of working out in the most painful of ways. when everything seems to fall into place, it falls straight back out of place, leaving you the fool, with the broken heart, yet another wounded romantic, lost in the grand overarching scheme of it all.

that’s me, and am i always destined to be like that?

well i believed not with the london girl, and i believed not with the girl with the yellow coat. I was wrong the first time and i was wrong this time. so i continue to act the fool, i stumble into every situation; be that a fling with many a university girl or waking up in bed with the best friend. it all seems so doomed, as if every event is never going to work out and everyone knows that but me.

that’s life, things fall apart, the world is an imperfect place. we can either cave to the pressure or go forward swinging. sometimes i cave, sometimes i swing. The jagged double edge glass always cuts, it’s just i realise too late.

on tuesday i caved, found myself vomiting in a toilet, my head a delirium, someone vaped nearby, my head became a cesspit, as if every regret came out of my body and into the toilet bowl. The pills where in me, in my bloodstream, the slow descent into what had been chosen, became only more apparent with time.

this was it, a life-altering mistake, the clearest, most crystallised version of it, as with every extreme stomach pain, it was a painful reminder of what was happening, I was in it now, and i couldn’t get out of it either.

i’m back now, bumping mac miller louder than ever, but still trying to find my way in the world. it’s just getting harder, but i’m trying, you know?

throughout today i’ve been more content than i’ve ever been; yet i’ve been as low as i can get

it hurt standing outside with her, her face coated in agony and pain, regret, written over her face, mine similarly caustic. this was two people who days ago lived in their own world together, and now the world was torn apart. last sunday her head was on my shoulder. now she doesn’t even want to look me in the eye.

i never saw this coming?

what happened?

it’s the lingering look of resentment, the wanting of the void, the pain of who hurt the other. in the moment it all wanted to unfurl, it was a painful 7 minutes.

i wish it had ended differently i really do,

but as aforementioned, that’s life. shit falls apart.

of course i was the one who seemed to lose the most, for her and the london girl, all meaning seemed to suspend itself, as if in that Brixton travel lodge, she didn’t tell me of our plans for a future child, as if in my bedroom, she didn’t tell me of us rooming together. stop.

we make all these big plans in this small world, and something always comes along and crushes it. kinda ironic ain’t it?

i guess i want it all to change, i want what i’ve been after.

will the next person say ‘i love you’ and lie, or will they mean it in sincerity, and that’s just as scary.

there’s no looking, concert tickets will swap hands, hearts will sink, and i’ll still remember where it all went wrong, because my regrets seem to be my closest drinking buddies nowadays. i know them on a first name basis.

the world always seems so small when you’re with someone, however it’s when you’re alone, that the vastness of it stares you in the eyes. that’s exactly what i’m looking at right now. i wished i’d been warned this time around. it’s a lonely place being the guy that people fall for in the blink of a eye, and then break his heart just as quickly. i hope i learn someday, but i fear that won’t be anytime soon.

shit am i crying or is it just raining?

never mind i’m inside. i forgot about that.

its just that it feels as cold here, as it did outside with her.

this is a good note to leave it on.

let’s all relax for a while.

i’ll see you around the bend

just don’t lose yourself.

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